Boundaries Change

I think about boundaries a lot. Call me the life of the party, but it’s true! As I ponder the arena of personal growth, it’s abundantly clear that boundaries are crucial for a healthy life. I want to live a vibrant and abundant life, and this requires staying within the limits God gives me.

By “boundary” I mean the borders of myself and my world. Where I start and where I end. What is my responsibility and what isn’t! It’s everything from choosing what I eat to prioritizing how to spend my time and who I let hold influence in my life. It’s letting go of other people’s expectations and answering to God alone. Emotional boundaries are about being able to own my feelings as well as not allowing someone else’s feelings to overtake me. Physical boundaries are about me being able to set healthy limits with myself and others.

I trust you get the concept, and that it’s likely not a new one for you!

Living within appropriate boundaries brings freedom. But, here’s the thing- boundaries change. Seasons change, our capacities change, our desires change, the circumstances of our friends and families change. Almost everything changes! Which I know from personal experience can be hard to accept! Nonetheless, it’s reality. Life can feel like a moving target where all the pieces change as soon as we get the hang of the game.

Healthy boundaries are super helpful, but if we don’t allow God to shift our boundaries when life changes, it can get ugly! It’s almost like having a combination locker in middle school and then for the rest of your life trying to use the same combo on every lock you use!

Once I find a rhythm with my boundaries I want them to work in every season no matter what changes! For the love. When I finally discern what I need to say “no” to so that I can say “yes" I don’t want to start all over and figure it out again!

But, I must.

Even the best practices we learn in one season will likely shift when the details of our seasons shift. Maybe you get into a great routine of feeling connected to your body through a specific type of exercise. Then, you endure an injury. Of course, your expectations of what is best for your injured body should be different than before. Maybe you are rocking your time with God and experiencing a sweet new depth. Then, something tragic happens in your world. While staying close to God is needed now more than ever, the nature of your connection might shift in light of this new information. Maybe you and your husband are in a groove with work-life balance. Then he starts a new job, and the stress throws everything off!

I don’t know about you, but I want perfection. I want to be strong enough to handle whatever life throws at me. I want to do it all, and I don’t want to disappoint anyone! Nonetheless, the reality is that what I can handle in different seasons is different. Therefore, I need to be willing to adjust my boundaries. If I refuse to accept this, I will forever be fighting a losing battle.

I believe that God wants us to come to Him open to recalibrating our boundaries regularly. It might feel humbling to call someone and say you need to back out of a commitment. It might feel disappointing to realize you need more downtime than you would like to admit. It might even feel selfish to spend your time and emotional energy differently.  

At the end of the day, it all comes back to who you are trying to please. Are you trying to please people, yourself, or God?

He has your best interest in mind and doesn’t throw you into the deep end hoping you figure out how to swim in real time. Instead, He wants to walk with you in such a way that you hear His guiding voice and know how to adjust to be successful. You might have to loosen your grip on what “success” looks like, but you get my drift.

Girl, if you used to be able to work a full-time job and exercise five times a week but right now you are just trying to shower most days; it’s okay.

If you used to cook fresh organic meals for your family but lately you tell your crew they are welcome to help themselves to anything they find in the kitchen; it’s okay.

If you used to volunteer at every church event and kindergarten party but right now you need to prioritize going to counseling; more power to you!

As our lives change so will our capacities. We must be willing to change our boundaries as well. Let go of perfection and lofty expectations. Instead, lean into what He’s saying are the best boundaries for you right now!

Freedom or Slavery?

One of my all-time favorite heroes is Harriet Tubman. Harriet was born a slave in 1820 and bravely escaped to freedom almost 30 years later. What is more, she spent her life helping others find freedom! 

This escape to freedom was a process. It took a long time and a lot of effort. Many runaway slaves wanted to turn around and go back to their owners! The fear, exhaustion, and unknowns of doing life in a new way made slavery look appealing. 

In this video, I share about how our journey to freedom with God can feel similar. Often the Lord leads us in a process to freedom that is challenging. Sometimes there is instant healing and breakthrough, and I love those times! Usually, there is a journey involved in which He takes us by the hand and leads us to freedom one choice at a time. He actually teaches us how to live our new life of freedom. 

I wonder if He is highlighting an area in your life in which you aren't entirely free. He made you to be free, and whole, in all ways! He invites you to follow Him on the journey to freedom. 

Ask Him to open your ears and eyes to His leadership. That He might call your attention any time you want to run back to the familiar ways of slavery! Ask Him to teach you how to live differently with each step towards freedom. 

Grieving Together

We’ve all been there. In the middle of a difficult season or while mourning a loss, we reach out for help. In general, we choose wisely, strategically opening our hearts to our closest kindreds. I’ll admit I’ve accidentally fallen apart to a not-so-strategic stranger. But, you get my point, in general, we choose whom to invite into our grief.

The grieving soul is tender ground. Anyone who has lived for more than five minutes knows that! The process of grief is sacred and to be carefully navigated.

Over the years I’ve noticed something about grief. It is almost as hard to watch someone you love suffer as it is to suffer yourself. To sit across from a friend sobbing over unjustified heartache or to walk with a loved one through pain when there is no end in sight is a gut-wrenching part of the human experience.

I don’t know about you, but I like to fix things. I’m actually pretty good at it! I am strategic, analytical, and dangerously persistent. I do not like when I cannot fix things! Can I get an Amen?! And, the worst things to not be able to fix are people’s hearts! To see my precious husband, friends, family, and clients, suffer in pain is the worst.

Yet, that’s often the reality. Of course, if there is anything I can do to lessen another’s grief; I do! But, if you’ve lived for another five minutes, you have probably learned at times there isn’t. I cannot heal the heartache from a friend’s broken marriage; I cannot comfort the depth of despair over a lost child; I cannot redeem another’s history of trauma.

You know what else really gets under my skin? When people try to fix my pain! Now, let me be clear- if they actually could, I’d be all about this! Deep down I know that no human can heal the grieving heart. That is a job only our Savior can do.

I’m sure you have experienced this phenomenon. You are knee-deep in grief just trying to get through the day, and someone dares to slap a little bit of well-intentioned advice on you.  “Have you tried….?” “Have you read…?” “Are you talking to anyone about this?!”

Thanks, I feel so much better. It hadn’t occurred to me the way to bandage my pain is a best-seller. I’ll order it on Prime and be better in two days. Said no one ever.

Or, the affirmative platitudes! “God has a good plan.” “Someday you’ll understand.”

And, the silver-linings! “At least….” “Even in the midst of this horrible situation, I can see God’s hand in ….” “It could be worse.”

Yes. All those things hold some truth. Advice can be constructive. Often, platitudes are true, and there is always a silver lining.

However, these forms of support are rarely supportive. Instead, they can be dangerous. Often, they further isolate the grieving person. They can even make a person feel as if they are doing something wrong for not being able to tuck away their pain and soldier on. Not to mention, they quickly cause regret in the choice to open one’s heart.

We have all been there. Likely, many times over. And, we have all been the one doling out the book recommendations and slapping silver-linings all over a friend!

So, why do we do this?!

I honestly believe it’s because we so desperately wish we could lessen another’s pain. Again, if there were anything I could do to fix my peoples’ pain, I would! I’m sure you are the same. The fruitless efforts to “fix” grief usually come from a good place.

So, what the heck is helpful?! I’m so glad you asked.

As the person sitting across from the grieving friend, we seem to forget what was helpful when we were that grieving friend. Nonetheless, there is something that does offer a bit of salve.

The English word compassion comes from two Latin words. Cum, which means “with,” and pati, which means “suffering.” Compassion literally means to suffer with. Compassion isn’t about sympathetic feelings; it’s genuinely entering into the suffering with someone. It’s messy. It’s life on life. It’s you feeling sick to your stomach when those you love ache. It’s not an unhealthy enmeshment or over-attachment, but a choice to do life with those you love. 

Only Jesus can truly heal (cure, restore, make better) our grieving hearts and broken lives. That is as true as the sunrise and sunset. However, as fellow sojourners in this life, we have something that can soothe pain. Heal, no. Soothe, yes.

When I stop to ponder what offered a breath of air when grief threatened to strangle, it doesn’t take long to recall. It was when my husband held me as I wept. It was when my friend got mad with me as I yelled choice words about an unjust situation. It was when a counselor validated my emotions as her eyes filled with tears mirroring my own.

Ladies, I love good advice. And I rely on others to remind me of truth when I cannot seem to locate it for myself. I practice gratitude (basically silver-lining my circumstances) as a coping mechanism every day.

Those are good things; we should keep doing them. But, if you are grieving, they are not going to console you. That isn’t their place, and they don’t have that power. On the other hand, having someone enter into your grief with you can offer solace.

We were not made to do this alone! That’s why sometimes we accidentally reach out to the random person looking for a bit of camaraderie! Humans were created to live in community. And not just when things are good! Not only at celebrations, or over a nice dinner, or when your kids are playing well together. We were intricately designed to need one another in the valleys as much as on the mountain tops. Let’s be real, even more in the valleys!

The temptation is to try and fix another’s pain. Yet, this never works. What does help is vulnerably choosing to be with your people where they are. If they are in the dark season of grief, go there with them. Allow yourself to cry and scream with them. How incredibly powerful it is to affirm their loss in this way. Hold onto hope and remind them of truth, of course. But, in the thick of it just be in the thick of it with them!

There is incredible power in allowing our compassion to knit us together. Don’t overlook this potential when your first instinct wants to fix another’s pain. Simply enter in with them, and let Him do the rest. Let’s be women who know how to grieve together.

How to Overcome the Fear of Failure!

Do you struggle with the fear of failure?! Not for long! Join me to learn a few simple steps to break free from the cycle of fear. Friend, today is the first day of a new beginning!