On my early morning walk, I pleaded aloud, “Please just explain what you are doing!” You made me. You know I need information. If you just explain what is happening to me, I promise I’ll come down! I relentlessly repeated myself again and again to the Lord.
As I tried to speed-walk through the thick summer air, He finally opened my eyes. He opened my eyes to my entitlement. How had I never seen it before?
In this challenging season, I felt vulnerable and scared. Desperate to appease these uncomfortable emotions, I analyzed the issue in an attempt to understand.
Understanding brings a sense of control- a false sense of control, but a sense of control nonetheless! In this wilderness season, I felt so tossed to and fro by my circumstances, that I ferociously searched for any understanding that might offer clarity on what the heck was happening. Preferably including why, and with plans to then quickly get the heck out of that place. (Of course, not a physical place- but the painful spiritual and emotional place in which I found myself.)
Metaphorically, I felt my back was up against a wall. When my best efforts to make sense of things failed, I demanded that God explain things to me! Oh vey!
On this particularly humid, and particularly painful morning, He revealed what I could not see. Information was my idol. I wanted to understand; I wanted to see what was happening, ultimately, I just wanted to feel safe. And, I erroneously concluded information was the way to protect myself.
In the way that only the Holy Spirit can do, the scales fell off my eyes. Now, with each step I bubbled over with repentance: Oh Father, you don’t owe me an explanation. I am not entitled to perfect clarity and a play-by-play of your plans as they unfold. What you reveal to me is yours to determine, not mine. Tears.
It sounds so utterly elementary, but in all honesty, at the time, these were unprecendented thoughts.
I spent years of my young-adulthood naively believing that knowledge kept me safe. If I could understand all the risks, get all the data, and make all the right choices, then I’d be safe. Then, I could rest.
Naturally, this led to this childlike conversation with the Lord. “If you just explain things to me, I’ll go with it.” “I promise,” I added, for good measure. Oh, His goodness to not answer my prayers riddled in this faulty premise.
I was scared and needed security. This is an oh-so-valid need. However, I was operating under the belief that understanding would offer the safety for which I longed. That, my friend, is where my reasoning fell apart.
My healing journey is a long one. It’s a beautiful story that unfolds more with each day and with each season. But, this particular morning drove a stake into the ground of my heart. Information does not protect me. I used information to provide a false sense of protection; it is God Himself who protects me.
With this new revelation, came beautiful clarity. I can rest in the mystery. I can relax when I don’t see or understand. I can even rest when I don’t like my circumstances because He is at work for me.
Friend- your Creator, your Redeemer, the one who chose you- He holds all your days and all of your story. He designed you to need safety and security. He also knows true security comes not in information, but in relationship with Him.
Oh how ironic, not in seeing our circumstances more clearer- but in seeing Him more clearly, are we set free.